So you just started a new relationship and you thought for sure that this was the one. But oddly enough, your new sweetie seems to be the identical twin of your ex — with all of the bad qualities that you thought you’d left behind.
“I think that my ‘picker’ is broken!” says one frustrated teen. “I keep on falling for the wrong person … even when I should know better!”
Don’t stress. It can take a while to figure out what you need from a relationship, and what kind of person can meet your needs. Relationships aren’t always easy — even if you do connect with the “right” person. But if you do find yourself constantly dating the “wrong” people or ending up in unhealthy relationships, you can take steps to break this pattern.
Oops … You Did It Again!
How can you tell that you are headed for a repeat performance with your new SO? Some signs are obvious, like if you two are constantly fighting, or if one of you has a problem with jealousy. But sometimes, it takes a while before you’re saying, “Hmm …you remind me of someone!” Here are some red flags to watch out for:
- Does your GF/BF have the same bad qualities as your ex? (For example: she has a nasty temper or he’s rude to your parents.)
- Do you find yourself having the same concerns in your new relationship that you had in your last relationship?
- Do you think that you would be happier by yourself than in your new relationship?
- Did you fall for the same “type” of person instead of getting to know her or him first as an individual?
A Little Help from Your Friends
Is your BFF always trying to fix you up with her brother? Does your mom constantly mention the nice girl next door? Sure, all of this nagging from your friends and family about who you should go out with can get old, but sometimes you need the advice of someone close to you.
“I used to watch my sister go out with all of these jerks,” says Sarah, 17. “She never let me set her up. I always wished that she would trust me, because I would find someone who was actually good enough for her!”
It’s true … the people who know you best may be your best defense against another bad relationship. So listen to what they have to say before you dive in … they just may be right!
Breaking the Cycle
Repairing your “picker” requires some work … and some time! “I never really thought about what made my last relationship flop,” says Allie, 19. “Once I took some time to reflect, I realized that it didn’t work because my ex simply wasn’t a good communicator. Now I know for sure … that’s just something that I need in my next relationship.”
Allie is right on. The best way to make sure that you don’t get fooled again is to know what it is that you need from a relationship. Try making a list of all of the qualities that are important to you in a GF/BF. Then, stick to them and don’t settle for less!
Here are some other tips for getting back on the right track:
- Make sure that you are definitely over your last love. Falling for someone when you are on the rebound is a surefire way to make the same mistake twice.
- Get out of your comfort zone. Look for someone different than you usually date.
- Be friends first. Get to know someone before becoming involved.
And above all else, take some time to figure out who you really are. You may find that you’re not ready for a serious relationship. Or you may realize that you’ve been going after people who aren’t compatible with you, and emerge with a clearer picture of what kind of person would better meet your needs. Take your time and stick to your standards, and your “picker” will be fixed in no time!
